Tuesday, May 31, 2011

vulnerable


When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up,
we would no longer be vulnerable.
But to grow up is to accept vulnerability...
To be alive is to be vulnerable.
Madeleine L'Engle

So if I could tell the world just one thing it would be living in fear = the light of life fading. This whole experience has been one of resisting faith, and stepping forward. It's been one of holding onto everything I believe, in every moment, not a moment to waste.

There have been a few difficult days in between, but in the midst of all, my God has shown Himself faithful. I have been attempting to tend to the worried hearts of my students, and at times there truly isn't anything that I, myself, can do. At times, all I can do is be spent in prayer for their precious, beautiful hearts, because nothing I can say is good enough. So I have been trying to just be love for them, in the midst of their fragile times. Relationships, abandonment, fear, worries, doubts are troubling these precious children. So I pray, I attempt to speak life into their hearts.

Friday night I spoke in Un Espacio about passion, community, and significance. The three things that God has used to change my very own life. I was stricken with nerves; it had already been a difficult day--and I still had yet to face one of my biggest fears-speaking in public. Although, once I got up there, the nerves and the worries seemed to be erased. As I spoke, I looked out at the hearts that make up NOE, rather than looking down at my crutch, my words. Speaking doesn't come easy for me, even in the smallest, most intimate groups-but the words and promises of my Lord always, always prevail within me.

Saturday one of my students and her sister took me out to watch the Barcelona/Manchester game at Chili's. I loved being able to spend time with them, share in the laughter, the screams and reveling in the conversation of God and His love for us. One of my students, Marco showed up to join us in watching the game...and it was such a blessing. We later got ice cream, and went our separate ways...after a much enjoyable walk home with dear company. Later than night, I accompanied my sister Montse and Keila downtown for coffee and window shopping. It was nice being able to have that time, because Friday Keila will be leaving us for the states on Saturday. The smallest of outings are huge blessings to me, because not much time is left here. Anytime spent in the company with those I love here is such a treasure.

Last night at Bible Study, a prominent theme was mentioned yet again...all of me believes it to be of God. Juan talked about the tomorrow mindset we have; rather than saying what we need to say, for the matter of honesty or healing-we always claim there is tomorrow. We always wait, and often because of fear. We're afraid what might happen or not happen. Sure, maybe that relationship that is failing won't be fixed with one conversation, but healing can begin today. Sure, maybe you will be honest, only to find hurt, but what is this life if you aren't vulnerable? And maybe, just maybe, if you spoke up--God's beautiful plan would unfold, and it would be more than you ever imagined, or dreamed it to be.


You know how I mentioned it to be a prominent theme, look below for yesterday's excerpt from
My Utmost for His Highest:

"Lord, I will follow You, but...

Suppose God tells you to do something that is an enormous test of your common sense, totally going against it. What will you do? Will you hold back? If you get into the habit of doing something physically, you will do it every time you are tested until you break the habit through sheer determination. And the same is true spiritually. Again and again you will come right up to what Jesus wants, but every time you will turn back at the true point of testing, until you are determined to abandon yourself to God in total surrender. Yet we tend to say, "Yes--but suppose I do obey God in this matter, what about....?" Or we say, "Yes, I will obey God if what He asks of me doesn't go against my common sense, but don't ask me to take a step in the dark."

Jesus Christ demands the same unrestrained, adventurous spirit who have placed their trust in Him that the natural man exhibits. If a person is ever going to do anything worthwhile, there will be times when he must risk everything by his leap in the dark. In the spiritual realm, Jesus Christ demands that you risk everything you hold on to or believe through common sense, and leap by faith into what He says. Once you obey, you will immediately find that what He says is as solidly consistent as common sense.

By the test of common sense, Jesus Christ's statements may seem mad, but when you test them by the trial of faith, your findings will fill your spirit with the awesome fact that they are the very words of God. Trust completely in God, and when He brings you to a new opportunity of adventure, offering it to you, see that you take it. We act like pagans in crisis--only one out of an entire crowd is daring enough to invest his faith into the character of God."

"I may be weak, but Your spirit's strong in me."


I am so thankful for my NOE family. They have taught me more, than I could ever teach them. I have learned the art of vulnerability, living with abandon, holding onto hope, letting go of all fear, believing in myself. With my remaining time here, my heart is going to love with all that I am, my voice is going to speak every word that needs to be said, my soul will remain vulnerable and in tune to this place, God made for me.

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