glancing at my scattered heart...

And here I sit, beneath your feet, humbled that you would grace me with your presence, time and again.

Humbled that your love would rock these faltering knees up to a standing position, and awaken my eyes to stare at my fears without the desire to flee.

But that’s what you do, isn’t it?

You take away fears and strongholds with an ease that only belongs to you, Sweet Jesus.

You overcome.

You overcame what seeks to overcome me. And by your grace, I can overcome.

I can stare down my fears and remain standing with them in sight.

Cause your voice calls out to me.

It welcomes me back into the arms of your truth and ever so gently, you whisper fear has no hold over me.

You sing over me with delight.

You revel in my scatterbrained presence and you tell me, oh you tell me, I’m enough.

You pick up the pieces of my mess and you love me in spite of it.

The stigmas the world has attached on me mean absolutely nothing.

The rejections men have spoken over my heart have no hold on me.

I’m yours.

You overcame all of this, Jesus.

You overcame my heartache. 

You overcame the gaping wound of my heart that cries out to be home for good. 

You overcame the trivial mess that attempts to conquer my days. 

You overcame the loneliness that threatens my content heart in the middle of the night, when all is quiet and truth is far. 

You overcame my voice that feared speaking and you taught me how to speak.

You overcame. And because you overcame, I can overcome.

I used to convince myself that I had to wait. I had to remain paralyzed in one position before your voice called out of a burning bush where you needed to take me. I thought I needed to remain inactive for you to move within me, but sometimes I have to move in the midst of uncertainty to find what is certain.

And so with that being said, today, March 14^th, 2013, my life could go one of two ways. All I ask, is that “you lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters, wherever you would call me, take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, that my faith would be made stronger in the presence of You, my Savior.”

The beautiful thing I can rely on is that you already know the outcome.

You planned it into being, when you formed my heart from your very hands.

Today is your day, Jesus. I will rejoice and be glad in it.

I will overcome, because you overcame.

I will follow, where you lead me. 

facing the truth

I’m literally sitting here in my manic mess, but if I have found anything within reason lately, it’s that God doesn’t ask us to keep it all together, when we come to Him.

Instead, He takes us as we are. His arms are outstretched waiting for me to just be still.

He’s waiting for me to sit down.

He’s gently whispering, “sweet daughter of Zion, ignore the clutter of clothes and signs of busyness about your feet, won’t you just be still and come to me. Won’t you sit here for awhile?”

I wonder how many times I don’t heed His gentle whispers. I wonder how many times I clam up from vulnerability because it has been walked on, time and again, by so many. I wonder how many times my heart claims that God, Himself, will refuse and reject me one of these days, that it’s just a matter of time.

I wonder how many times I compare myself to that of my sisters, leading their lives with degree-blessed jobs and raising up the next generation of His children.

I wonder how many times I fall into the lies, that I am not near good enough, not near complete enough, as the next daughter.

But then truth seeps into the dark places, it calls out for my spirit to sit with Him.

And He tells me to lay it all down.

He tells me that I’m good enough.
He tells me that I’m worthy enough.
He whispers that I’m more than enough.

He lets me in on His secret to this period of singleness and helps me acknowledge that my heart wasn’t built to love just that ONE. He tells me that my heart was built to love MANY. My heart was built to love nations and children without being tethered to a soul that pulls me away from love’s cause.

He tells me that even though no one understands what I’m doing.

He gets it. He planned it.

He meets me in my weariness. He meets me in my fear.

His words of truth fall over me and He ever so quietly says, “Precious Daughter, you were made for this. I know many have left you judged and walked away, simply because they adamantly claimed you were leaving the field. But dear one, I know your heart holds all of Mexico, it may be out of sight, but it’s never out of mind. I know that you are here for a reason, and I know that this is preparation for the time that will come, to take you back home to your heart. You weren’t made to meet their expectations, dear girl. Look to me, come sit with me. In time, I’m going to take you home.

You need just be still, Daughter.”

In the past few days, my soul has been reckoned with.

Words of truth have beckoned me forward.

My hands are empty.

I’m very single.

But those things are trivial, in light of the missive that God has spoken over me.

And sometimes that missive means just sitting with Him, in the midst of my mess. Sometimes, that means quietly denouncing that past rejection does anything to define my present. Sometimes, that means the mere action of rising from the covers and leaving the house to travel from one job to the next for a couple more months.

But His faithfulness extends into my present.

I can be still, because of that truth.

I can be content with singleness, because for such a time as this, He’s given me many to love. And loving one would just become a detriment to the cause my heart was built for.