Tuesday, October 11, 2011

seeing the season through

“Sadly many of us have been led to feel that somehow we ought to want less, not more. We have this sense that we should atone for our longings, apologize that we feel such deep desire. Shouldn’t we be more content? Perhaps, but contentment is never wanting less; that’s the easy way out. Anybody can look holy if she’s killed her heart; the real test is to have your heart burning within you and have the patience to enjoy what there is now to enjoy, while waiting with eager anticipation for the feast to come. In Paul’s words, “we groan inwardly as we wait eagerly.” Contentment can only happen as we increase desire, let it run itself out toward its fulfillment, and carry us along with it.”

I don’t know if I am alone in this. This embarrassment, this shame that comes with a desire that shakes a heart from it’s core. This wonderment that comes and awakens itself within, after a soul’s dry spell. Weariness befallen on a bent back, a bruised heart and trembling knees. Struggling to be healed and become trusting of You and Your perfect goodness to release me from the binding chains. 

Months spent on the field, and the moments coming rushing back, fresh to the touch and seemingly new to the burdened eyes. I see those first few minutes stumbling upon bright city lights and walking in the heat of the day- I hear those first words exchanged. The beauty of the book being seen with my own eyes. 

I see the brown-eyes beauties running up to play, asking how long I would stay. Giggles overflowing and shouts of glee when more time was known to be spent than just a week. Passing the time steadying themselves in my lap, making sense of my curls- getting lost in their sweet company. 

Remnants of moments replay within my heart and there’s a disappointment that comes and it goes-how could I have forgotten Your love, oh how You love me? Surrounded by beauty and months spent in the country I have come to know and love, but still yet I had forgotten Your mercies new every morning, rest found in Your open arms, healing and hope for a heart disarmed. Love’s been all around me, and even still I kept fighting to just be. 

Two days ago I walked off a plane- to the eyes of many resilient, inside overwhelmed- near breaking. 

My last few days in the Baja were spent loving on the children, making sure they knew how much they will always mean to me. Holding them close, hearts touching and giggles intertwining, capturing every still moment to hold onto forever. My time came to a close, with a handful of lasts-last classes, last hugs, last laughs, last tears among some of the dearest people about me all in the same place, for once. 

And here I am, I am on the other side-with a few things to tell your kind reading eyes. The last two months held some of the most challenging moments of my life. I was literally living in a desert, and somehow found that my heart was losing itself in a desert of its' own. 

I became spent in every sense of the word. It was a fight to be there and to love the beautiful people as they deserved to be loved. I let go. Taken aback, that I wasn't in it, the place I had longed to be home for ten years was home. . . but I was missing. Yet, that is what happens when we sometimes claim to have our every future moment figured out, God steps in and changes you. 

All this to say it was a daily battle and through it all, God made something known deep within my heart- that my time was left unfinished in Morelia. 

Many nights were spent with a conflicted heart, struggling to find the words in prayer, but I can tell you with utter confidence that my God is taking me back to reunite with my heart come January, in Morelia.  

God used these past two months. And thankfully, His beautiful children saw me through my very own desert. I will be spending these next three and a half months in Indiana, working, gathering support, and being with my family and I will then return to Morelia for an indefinite period of time in January. My heart is overcome with gratefulness that He makes beautiful things out of dust, and out of us.