I am amazed, because He has heard me.
He wasn't absent in those tear-stained goodbyes said over a ten year period.
He wasn't far when I was shuddering in an airport, trembling at the heartache that accompanied me as I sat alone, in the wake of leaving my beautiful children behind.
NO, He wasn't absent and yes, maybe I thought He was for a time, but in hindsight I see that He was ever with me. I see that His cheeks were stained, too. His eyes were swollen and He wasn't silent. Instead, He was gently singing over me in a soft whisper, but I didn't listen closely enough.
I got caught up in the moment and I lost control attempting to draw up my life in a series of brisk strokes, perfecting the idea with my innocent expectations.
And, I thought I was strong enough, I thought I was ready.
I saw my little, bright-colored house in the Baja, with children running in and out of the revolving door. I saw it, daydreaming in missions class.
I saw it when Mexico was with me and when it was out of sight, but never out of mind.
I thought I had it all figured out.
However, that is where I went wrong...
I swiped His hands away, declaring that I knew everything I needed, that I would make it happen.
That my house would become reality, that love would become mine to forever hold, that I would have a ring on my finger, and that I would live happily ever after.
But when I asked Him to enter in, He turned my life upside down.
He entered in and gently, with a precious, powerful force took my controlling hands off the pencil. He placed them in my lap and resumed the work, that He had never ceased, whether or not I chose to acknowledge it with grace.
And He started to paint a picture, foreign to my dreams, by using a paragraph about a faraway place named Morelia, Mexico.
I began to follow without the pull to control and I started to walk into the life of mine, He had planned from the beginning of time.
And I realized something.
My ability to paint a picture with my life, to breathe life from the pages of my sketches, pales in comparison to my Maker's talent.
I lost control by taking control, clenching my fingers around "things" that would fade away with the dust encountering wind. I refused to believe that there was anything better than my dreams, my plan, my love.
I refused to let Him enter in, because somewhere in my heart of hearts I knew that I was denying Him my heart. And if I were honest with myself, I knew that my plans weren't really His plans. I knew that my idea of love was misconstrued and that no one, not even "the one" could ever fill up my heart's desire.
So with hesitancy at first glimpse, I let Him enter in, and He opened my eyes to the truth. He opened my eyes to see that I wasn't ready for the mission field five years ago. He opened my eyes to see that my dream wasn't big enough and that I was too comfortable. He opened my eyes to see that "that one" only did my heart harm and took my eyes off HIM.
In 2011, He challenged me to take a leap of faith and walk into the unknown, off the plane and into the arms of my greatest fear, being alone in a crowd of unfamiliar people.
He challenged me to let go of the love that I had loved for seven long years.
I will be the first to tell you, it wasn't easy. I still have my days when my heart rushes back into the unforgiving arms of nostalgia, to what it was like to have a keeper of my deepest, darkest secrets.
But in Him, I found healing. A healing that isn't fleeting with the coming ebb and flow of emotions, but a healing that remains steady and enough to draw my heart back to where it has always belonged.
And sure, maybe you would sit with me over a cup of steaming coffee and listen to my story that at times was consumed with an undeniable pain...and be left wondering.
You'd be left wondering how I got here and how I left my plan, my love behind.
So here is the answer, beautiful friend.
I never did.
He entered in and erased my lofty ideas and dreams that I knew were perfect and He carried on the story He always had written, kept in His pockets, creased from the wear and tear, rewritten with His beautiful handwriting. He began to pick up the pencil and continue to write my story according to HIS perfect, beautiful plan.
And well, that story it's still being written, but at the moment you'll find my heart lost among my ninety students at Centro NOE and the hundreds more that call NOE, their second home. You'll find that I'm a house-renter, that loves having company fill up the walls with laughter and the smell of fresh coffee steaming on the stove. You'll find that I'm a single woman, that often accepts the call with grace and understanding that my time, is and never will be His. You'll find that I'm setting down roots for the coming years and realizing that Morelia, Mexico has always been the home to my dreams.
And you can join this story, this journey. Here is a little glimpse at http://vimeo.com/67433340#at=0
After you login, you can choose at the top to give a one time gift or a monthly gift, then choose “Kristen Main” from the list of options, and enter the amount you would like to give. You can also pick up a form to have funds automatically deducted from your account at the welcome center.
Financial help is still welcome and needed as I settle into owning a house here in Morelia: http://onlinecfc.com/giving/