regroup and release.

I have been regrouping, detangling myself from stresses that came and took hold of my heart. I have been settling from spells of difficult goodbyes and leaving behind roots of my heart in the soil of Mexico, in the walls and classrooms of NOE.

And I’m sitting on the other side and all I can do is think of how blessed I am. As a twenty-three and four year old, I was given a flight, and monthly support, but more importantly I was given a home, and a family. I spent ten months loving on children, loving on His people. Sure, I had worries that came up from relationships, but I lived to love.

And well, I’m here. I’m currently joining the ranks in search of jobs. But I don’t want to lose that living to love. I think it should walk with me, through these next steps of my journey. That should be part of what moves me, living to love.

If I have learned anything, it’s that God’s faithfulness compels me to the field, stateside or on foreign soil. It’s that His joy is contagious, and that this beautiful life with all its’ pain and heaviness is all worth it. It’s that sometimes you just have to move ahead blindly, without clear direction and well, God will give you a NOE, a place where you just feel like you are right where you should be. A place where your laughter exudes from your spirit, because every single day your calling is to love,and well love does.

Love moves and flows through your beating heart and lingers still when you’re gone. Love imparts a sense of hope in place of hopelessness, and I just want to be love, wherever He takes me.

Tears are coming, all because I left with a heart full, and this time that fullness has seemed to walk out of all of this with me. I think that’s proof in itself- that I’m right where God needs me to be. Time will tell, where He wants me, but surprisingly I’m not worried. Instead, I’m putting myself out there with confidence, because I’m certain that God made me for such a time as this. And what a welcome feeling, it is to feel such a freedom.

My name is Kristen Main, and well my life has been forever changed. This year marks ten years of serving on the field of Mexico in three beautifully and distinctly different cities. I wouldn’t have wanted to spend my life any other way. God has called me to love His children and within this past year, He’s gently reminded me that I can do precisely that anywhere in this world.

And wherever I end up, those three cities and their people travel with me, memories stored up and stowed away, shaping me into a woman after God’s own heart. And well, that’s all I want to be…

nine months.

"Life isn’t about “arriving” and if I think it is, 

I’ll always be disappointed."

"This has been the greatest realization of my life: 

I can do it all, but I don’t have to do it all right now."

"You are more than dust & bones. You are spirit & power & image of God. 

And you have been given today" -Shauna Niequist

Nine months of this past year have been spent in Mexico.

I love the life of a nomad, being in the unfamiliar.

I love the life of this language that falls beautifully off  the tongue, even with my scattered stumbling.

I love that without a doubt I know, that God created me for this country of dark-eyed candied children, families with open hearts and open homes.

I love the life of a heart brimming over with love for every soul that it encounters.

I love it. 

I love being poured out for His people.

Yet, I think sometimes we tend to lose sight that when we constantly pour out, we need to be constantly  filled up.

I think- I'm there.

These months have been trying on this heart of mine. I have had to learn the art of discipline and quieting my easily excited and overly talkative children. I have had to push my students to motivate themselves outside of the classroom. I have had to get up out of bed and fight steady bouts of sickness.

But look, we've made it.

80% of my 50 students passed their final written exam with 70 and above.
All will graduate, with one given the chance to retake the course next fall.
26 participated in the oral exam, with a chance to be chosen for the next Dream Team.

We've made it.

So this heart of mine is tired and worn, but extremely proud.

God's taught me a lot about refining and resilience these past months.

He's taught me to keep moving, even when the easiest thing to do is lay down.

I'm not that girl that gives up so easily. 

Sure, I still struggle with the desire to please everyone; it's just as difficult to say no.
Vulnerability doesn't run rampantly, but more so than it has in the past.

Fear is commonplace. Doubts accompany me.

But these things don't own me anymore. 

I have learned to fight the enemy of depression and not let it have a hold on me.

I have learned to keep loving, even when it doesn't come easily.

I have learned that His possibilities for me are endless. 

I just have to step out, apply, get on a plane.

I have to choose joy, instead of laying down.
I have to choose to fight, instead of giving in.

So I'm weary and my heart is heavy,
but home is soon.

And well, I think it's just the balm my soul needs for awhile; until He's ready to bring about something, or someplace else.

This year has had difficulties, but I'm not going to let it sway me from the pursuit of the field.
Mexico has my heart.
It always will.

Reynosa, Vicente Guerrero and Morelia are homes to me.

And perhaps the most beautiful thing of all is- that God's not through with me yet.

there's always enough

So this is indeed long overdue, my apologies! Life has been keeping me super busy. It seems like I am constantly on the go, that of course is no excuse, I know.

Lately, I have been spending extra time trying to motivate my students, because it's that time of year when Spring Fever kicks in- when mental exhaustion is ones' only company. Which has meant some time being spent with students one on one, in search of that little light to flicker on and for their precious heart to remember there is still hope.

Language learning is quite tedious. And learning English is just one of the many things that their lives entail, so at the end of a school day coming to NOE at seven pm to practice English is a little difficult, understandable, right?

I truly don't know how I manage to fit everything in. There are times when I see a need to put in extra time-and amazingly enough there's always time. I think that's all the more telling that God orchestrates these moments- pointing me back to Him, gently whispering yes, there's always enough. In Me, there's always enough.

I'm grateful that even in the busyness and the difficult days, God always seems to give us laughter and joy. Whether that's in stumbling through pronunciation or just random bursts of laughter, without much reason, He always places joy in our paths.

I have been so blessed to be placed as the teacher for the Exchange Group. Every class I am reminded of how much I love them and how grateful that I get to be experiencing this with them. And we haven't even made it to Portland yet, and it's truly already a gratifying experience.

In the middle of all the craziness, God has still been reminding me ever so gently of the importance of relationships. I'll admit to you, when I arrived, it was difficult. But I've been able to step out of my comfort zone and reach out to many more people this year. I am one blessed girl. The truth is, I believe they are blessing me more than I could ever bless them.

This has been a season of finding confidence and of refining. A season of remaining true to who I am and who God set me apart to be. A season of realizing that my love doesn't exist for just one part of Mexico. And that's okay for me to admit. I had been telling myself it was necessary to pick just one, but God is telling me that isn't the case. He's telling me that the Baja and Morelia are very much a part of me simultaneously. If that is the only thing I leave with this season, I think that will be more than enough.

I'm so grateful for your prayers and your continued support. I couldn't be here living my dream without you all. This is right where my heart longs to be, and what a beautiful thing it is to be able to share that with you. You're just as much a part of this, as I am.

• You can be praying for my students that will be graduating this semester. I am a little more concerned about this group, than last year's. Be praying for confidence and motivation to sink into their hearts. 
• As well as, for my time management. Time management when living in a different culture is extremely difficult. I want to extend my help to every student in need and be there for every last one, but sometimes I stop short of saying no. Which only leads to exhaustion after being constantly on the go. 
• Health is another prayer request. This time around, health issues have been a lot more prominent. Just be praying that won't hinder me. 

I hope this makes sense to you. It's a bit rambled I know, I'm just coming back from a weekend spent away from home- so that means I'm not thinking as clear as normal. Lastly, I shall leave you with some pictures cause sometimes they speak louder than words.

i know how you feel

This is for those of you that have loved and lost, have come and gone, have said hello only to have to say goodbye.

I have noticed in life that often times our hearts have contradicting feelings simultaneously, how can it feel so good to know you're going home, and hurt so much knowing you have to say goodbye? How can it feel so right to love someone with all that you are, and then have this knowing about you, that it's time you let them go?

You have these moments too, right?

Moments that you enter in and you are undeniably sure that you were made for moments, such as these.

Moments when you know that it's your time to pack your bags and carry onward into your journey, but that doesn't make it any easier to leave those you love behind.

Hellos and goodbyes are ever so frequent in the lives of those at NOE. People enter in for a time, and then God calls them home. This means, emotions rise for a time, tears frequently leave their traces, and sighs become the pauses that somehow hold us together.

We are in such a time, and with that being said, it  opens the dusty suitcase of nostalgia that I stowed away last June.
Vivid memories rush in.

And I wonder why?

But then again, I think I know, I think it's one of those times that God allows you to identify with the pain of another.
When you can truly, truly say to someone you know how they feel and mean it with every fiber of your being.

One of the three, is leaving us, come Monday.

And I know how she feels,

there's a desire to run home into the arms of those she loves, but then there's this trifling sense that home isn't where she thought it was, that quite possibly home is right here.

there are moments when she is laughing in the company of those she loves, when all is right, and then suddenly she is consumed with the pain of leaving, all too soon.

And you know what? In times like these, I have found that only God, in His love suffices.

I've spent a life of hellos and goodbyes, and with that being said, they never become any easier. I don't know one place as home, my heart has many. But even though we lack understanding in times such as these, we'll look back and see that everything, even the heartbreaking goodbyes had a reason. Everything, everything has its' season.

So this is for Sophie, who has spent just a little less than a year here, opening her arms and her very heart to Centro NOE.  This is for you, dear. Our hearts might never understand these moments, on this side of Heaven, but one day I know you'll see the beauty in it.

One day.

Until then, cherish every moments and relish every laugh and word with those that you love. And know, just know that you'll never be replaced, nor forgotten. No, you never will. We'll be waiting for you.

If your heart has caught up on such a contradicting mixture of feelings, it's my prayer that you'd see God in your midst. He's there, I'm absolutely sure of it. Look closely, love. Hold tight to hope, cause there's always hope. If you loved and lost, come and gone, said hello only to say goodbye- you've been given the beautiful chance of seeing purpose. And oh how, everything under the sun, has a purpose.

God moves ever still.

I tell you. I tell you.

God is moving. He amazes me even still.

I'll be honest I have been a little discouraged these past couple of weeks. The extra conversation classes I added for my highest level students, haven't been attended lately. So I thought about eliminating them altogether, but something within me decided to have it just be one day a week, instead of two days.

Today, I arrived at NOE, and I didn't see a single student of mine, and immediately my thoughts rushed to  why didn't I follow through with the idea of canceling them?

But then, two trickled girls trickled in, and five minutes later another entered in. We went about describing ourselves in three adjectives, talking about our favorite years in school etc. One of my girls asked me what time in my life left me the most impacted, and I shared.

This deep question posed an idea in my head and heart to ask what was one of the hardest times in their lives, that at first they didn't understand, but then they were able to see God in the aftermath.

When it came time for the third girl to share, she spoke up and then immediately the tears began to fall from her beautiful cheeks.

Right away, I knew God was present. I knew He was moving.

So the three of us spoke life over this precious daughter, as much as we knew how, and all of us felt His leading to pray. Pray we did, and that just meant more tears fell, from that of all of us.

And as I prayed, I knew that the words that came weren't mine own, that they were His. I knew He was circling around His child with us, lifting up His very own prayers as we sought more of Him.

Afterwards, there was a sweet silence and just a knowing that the presence of God was in our classroom, and how ordained the moment was for that of four women to venture to NOE to speak English, only to end up speaking Spanish and begging for God to come, to heal, to speak.

One of my girls decided to speak up and affirm my presence in not only NOE, but her nation. To tell me that she can't explain it, she just sees God in my eyes and feels His love. The tears came again, because my heart needed to hear everything she said.

Because sometimes we can't see the reason behind our hurts, the promise behind the pain. 

Because sometimes we can't see our purpose, in being, right where we are. 

The mess, the tragedies they take their toll on our ever so fragile hearts, and we tend to give up, to lay down, because we can't pick up our pieces off the ground. 

Everything tells us to stop. 

But then, He lets Himself in with His key, and He whispers, "come to me, I'm all you need."

We get so overcome with anxiety, and the mess that we've become, that we cease to trust that He is in it. 

But soul, oh precious soul, these pain consuming moments, 

are never something we have to bear on our own. 

Our burdens are His burdens. 

Relax your wearied shoulders, close your swollen eyes, release the tears you've been holding back, 

let go, precious soul, let go, 

and let Him in. 

When you let Him in, that doesn't mean from here on out, everything will be perfect, things will fall apart.
 It does mean, that you will have someone take His careful care to mend you back together, to strengthen your weak knees, heal your heavy heart. It does mean that you'll never, never be alone. 

refining beauty

Sitting in the refinery, heart held in hands, she lets it be,
Her bent knees, kissing her forehead, she sees

she sees grace, and Your light leaving Your beautiful trace,
she feels renewal, desperately pursued,
through and through.

and she rests, because here in the refinery, she is known,
and Your ever-surpassing glory, is shown.

Her love for You grows, the trials and thorns,
do nothing to tear her apart, nothing but a sweet time to mourn,

but then Your love beckons her come, and enter in.
Enter in, to the beauty that lies awaiting her after the storm.

Cause after the storm, hope rises,
out of demises.

Cause after the storm, love is found,
chains unbound.

Cause after the storm, peace comes,
in soft lingering sighs and hums.

In the refinery, You're near,
ever nearer.

In the refining, hearts find reasons,
for the perilous seasons.

In the refining, hearts find rest,
long ago stowed away in memory's chest.

In the refining, there is beauty,
you just have to look ever so closely to see.

And she's sitting in the refinery, heart held in hands, she lets it be, 

Her bent knees, kissing her forehead, she finally, finally sees.

He's refining me. I used to be scared of the word refined. It used to cause fear to rise up within my beating heart, but God's showing me the beauty of it. Sure, it involves pain, uncertainty and it's never comfortable, but beautiful hearts, it's worth it. Cause in the refining, You find more of Him.

And what is better than having more of Him in all of our waking moments?

Don't fear refining, remember perfect love casts out all fear, dear. Lift up your empty hands and your hurting heart, take a respite on your bent knees, and just let Him, let Him be.

Let go of the burdens you claim are just your own, and remember sweet daughter and son, you, you are known. Hope exists for the heart ever so refined, don't hold onto what is behind, but walk in faith sweet child. Walk in faith, sweet child, hold onto hope. And don't you ever for a second think, you are alone, you are not your own.

come closer

"know that something softer than us but just as holy planted the pieces of Himself into our feet 

that we might one day find our way back to Him. 

you are almost home.

                                                             come closer come into this. 

there are birds beating their wings beneath your breastplate,

 gentle sparrows aching to sing come aching hearts,

 come soldiers of joy doormen of truth, come true of heart come into this."

Anis Mojgani

So, I know, I know this blog post is surely long overdue! I haven't really been able to master the art of busyness here yet. My last post was chock full of statistics and all of those numbers have been my life these past few weeks. It's amazing to think that I have already been here a month, the month anniversary actually passed me by without notice, until someone told me so.

So what have I been doing, how is this heart of mine feeling? Questions, upon questions- I'm sure you need answered, and are definitely deserving to know.

My classes have been keeping me busy and are a constant challenge for me. My highest level, the orange book students, just took a chapter test and it's time for the mid book test- which normally gives us all a little insight to where they stand to finish. I'll admit to you, my heart has been torn with worries for all of them this week. I have been wracking my heart and brain as to how I can convey five chapters of concepts in the easiest form possible, and trying my hardest to ease the worries that I see sitting beneath their eyes.

But God has just been reminding me that I really don't have any control over the results, that I can spend myself on their behalf, and yet, some will still be facing the difficulty and fears of failure. So these past few weeks, have been weeks of learning and remembering how much I need to surrender to my Maker.

In all things.

He has been reminding me of what it is like to have a heart be refined and tested, helping me remember and hold onto the hope that beauty still does exist even in such times.

I have had moments when I have been able to be poured out for my precious students and friends, and I am praying for more of such moments. Because what it all comes down to is that. I'm here for God to use me and use me up, all for love's cause.

I'm still brimming with joy and I'm still very much overwhelmed. There are sweet bouts of beauty that my eyes stumble upon constantly- that of my youngest sister singing her heart out in praise, that of three sisters laying in a bed, with High School Musical playing on a rainy, rainy day, that of five friends sitting around a table for hours, losing ourselves as we tell our stories of heartache and joy, that of me with six ten year old boys spending our Valentine's Day class together, laughing at pronunciations on every side.

I have these moments when I feel so much love, that my heart feels as though it could burst, and it's then I know that I shouldn't be anywhere else, that this is indeed where He has called me, for such a time as this, and truly, with all of me, that this is where my sweet, Beautiful Savior, desires me to be...

 for a lifetime.

Yes, yes, this is right where I need to be.