speechless revelries

It’s been six months to the day when I went to the Baja, knowing full well that’s where my heart was called. Six months of a battered and bruised heart, rising up and out towards a reawakening. Six months of testing and refining that my heart doesn’t so often, graciously allow, but in hindsight always exits ever so gratefully.

And I’m here, settling into the quaint café-like scene, on-looking the millions of able-bodies, bright-eyed, wearied lovers, faith-driven hearts-that have all come in search of one thing, their home. That place where they are comforted in being known to the spirited gray streaks that spring up overnight in their delicately combed hair, to the emptiness and fresh wounds that still cause the pain to rush up within and take them by surprise, without a care.

I’m in an airport and it feels like home here.

I’m able to sit about and look at these beautiful people walking past dutifully to their gate; I’m able to be reminded of how carefully each and every one of them was chosen to bear the marks of a Maker. I’m reminded that we all, each and every one deserve our indescribable God, our Savior.

I get to compose paragraphs and rhymes, because God me made for this and these times. I get to sit back and look quietly and onward, praying for the souls that are still not heard.

I’m blessed and the blessings overflow, because God made me to love all of these- so that everyone is known.

Love carries me to this place, and it’s what I chase. God has given me a heart that is full to overflowing- and I want everyone to see how loved they are and revel in this knowing.

So whether it’s broken Spanish or my love of the English words falling off my timid tongue, I will live to love, until my time here is done.

I’m returning without trepidation and tears, I’m returning with a perfect love that casts out every last one of my fears. My eyes happened upon that chapter, for a reason, and I’m seeing that now- and that’s what I’m after.

I’m blessed to love and to live. I’m blessed to be spent and freely give. I have words that need to be said, I have paths that need to be tread. So I will love every last one, those that have always known the purest of love and those that have been shunned.

My heart is full and beating steady; I’m awakened, bright-eyed, made for this, I am ready. So take this life of mine, Lord, that You, Yourself created, take this heart of mine and use it to be spent, not a moment lost or wasted.

I was welcomely surprised in the airport by some of my closest friends last night-after such an incredibly swift time through immigration and customs- where to the immigration officer's delight realized I could hold a conversation in Spanish, with ease and wondered what on Earth I needed 180 days for- thinking I need that many days so I can love, the ones He has given me to love. I can't begin to tell you every emotion that was rushing into my heart. It's just that I sat there ever so quietly, just reveling in the sweet voices falling over me, and being embraced in the arms of those I love. Joy left me shaking and speechless and peace washed over me, stilling my soul, knowing this is where I am needed, this is where I am known.  

the life she will live:

You take her to the broken places,

Where hearts ache, and tears leave their traces.

She is just a girl,

like all of those lost in the world,

She is just a girl.

But You stir something within her,

You enable her to see the hurt.

The pain that lies behind his eyes,

The girl facing her own, troubling demise.

That woman whose convinced that this life she lives-

Needs something anything, to just give.

That boy, that’s now a man,

Whose just searching everywhere, trying to make sense of how far he has ran.

And there are those childlike souls,

Bright-eyed, tight-fisted, not wanting to let go.

You hold them all.

And You let her see into their darkened halls.

Blessed with a burden for the aching heart,

The broken places, Your works of art.

She writes their stories, for that one day,

When she prays –

That longed for love, will be seen that it’s always been there,

it’s always been enough.

She listens ever so quietly,

And looks on, spending every moment trifling-

through how she might show each and every one the love, they need so desperately.

It’s like, she was made for this knowing,

This love-showing.

Created to see beyond their pretend stance,

Created to love the unloved, to see past their circumstance.

Created to be spent, broken and poured out,

Created to speak up for the voiceless and those plagued with doubt,

Created to do all she can, to love to the tips of her fingers,

Created to make sure that the unwanted, the wearied, the wounded-

feel that kind of love, that still lingers.

So she lives for that broken boy, becoming a man before her eyes,

She lives that she might see that day, when he finally realizes-

Your love is good and true, sees that Someone truly hears his cries.

So she lives for that woman that walked in denying tears,

She lives that she might see that day, when she finally realizes-

Your love is good and true, sees that You are strong enough to bear every last one of her fears.

She lives for that almost love’s desperate heart,

She lives that she might see that day, when he finally realizes-

Your love is good and true, sees that all He’s ever needed is You, that’s where it all starts.  

So she lives for that little girl, lost and alone, left behind,

She lives that she might see that day, when she finally realizes-

Your love is good and true, sees that to this world, she is not confined.

She lives for that day-

When all of their pain will be taken away…

There’s a good chance she won’t see it here on this broken Earth,

But that doesn’t mean anything will stop her, from loving all of them,

letting them see their worth.

No, she will live for every one

Fighting for hope to rise in the early morn.

No, she will live for every one

Fighting for hope that all is not, nor will always remain undone.

No, she will live for every one

Those who loved and lost,

Those dear hearts who have been crossed-

Those tossed out of homes,

Those who have known more pain, than being known.

She will live this life- keep the little light lit,

Open doors to her heart, moving to and fro, to just, just do her part.

This the life she was made for, this is it.

grace for every needy heart

"because He has been in the wilderness with us. 

He has been in the wilderness for us. 

He has been acquainted with our grief. . ."

It's been awhile since you've seen my words here. 


More time has been devoted to being with people, than sitting with my words. More time has been devoted to finding more of Him, to rediscovering the beauty of being fully alive. More time has been spent realizing that fear has no hold on me-that before I tell myself I can't do something, I should let myself first attempt it. 


Just a few months ago, I was in a wilderness. I was lost. I was fighting for hope. I had given up on myself, in so many ways. 


He hadn't. 


I just had to ask for Him. He was there with me all along, but I honestly didn't want to admit that I needed Him to pick me up again. Cause I had fallen so many times. . .


But here lies the beautiful truth. Perfect love casts out all fear. Perfect love keeps no record of wrongs. Perfect love tells the story of a Father that runs out to meet us in the wilderness, taking us up in His arms. Perfect love doesn't leave us where we are, doesn't let us go. 


So all I had to do, was let go, let Him enter into the mess that I had become. 


And He did. I feel His presence with me. I see Him about me. 


He reached out to me, tightened His hold and reminded me gently, that He wasn't leaving me behind. 


Whispering ever so gently in beautiful old friends and strangers alike, that disappointment, fears, hopelessness have no hold on me any longer. That I am loved. 


By His grace, the wilderness isn't home any longer; I know that will not always be the case. He'll bring me back one of these days, when I need a reminder. 


By His grace, I run- I used to think that I could never do anything of the sort. 


By His grace, I know that I am being called to Morelia, for such a time as this. 


By His grace, I can use my voice to speak up, when I used to sit back silently. 


It's all by His grace, sweet friends. I hope that if you are battling the wilderness tonight, that you will keep fighting. it's worth it. You're worth it. All you need to do is just admit where you are, dear heart. Ask Him into what you are facing. Don't let pride have its' way; don't wait for tomorrow. We are more than conquerors, and that goes for TODAY. You don't have to wait until you get things figured out, ask Him. I promise you that He will come. He'll come to your rescue. He'll meet you right where you are. 


Sweet Father, God of the broken, the wounded, the weary. God of the wilderness and God of the mountaintop, thank You for coming to our rescue. Thank You for loving us, even when we are hard to love. Thank You for picking up our pieces, no matter how many times we've fallen. I pray for these precious readers and for whatever they're facing right now-whether it's a sickness of their own or one they love, it's a constant battle to feel You, it's a fight to have hope enough for the day at hand, they are in the wilderness, or the mountaintop- I pray that they would above all know, they are loved. You love us, God. You love us at the parts of our hearts most broken, at the parts of our hearts most wounded. You love all that we are. I pray that tonight Your sweet, beautiful sons and daughters, might be able to finally see the love You have for them. I pray that they would come to know and see You've always been with them, You aren't ever leaving them. Come to their rescue, Father, like only You can. 

my heart is overwhelmed

God takes me by surprise every single day. 

I spoke at a friend's church last week and right before I was praying that His will would be done, 

and His words would be spoken- 

He gave me a glimpse into the past, something I had never, ever considered. 

When I was a sophomore in high school I went to a fall retreat centered around the word MORE:

The last night I felt compelled to pray with a leader; he asked me what I wanted to pray about. . . 

and all I could say was "I want to do more for Him, I want to be something more." 

I went to Mexico for the first time, my sophomore year in high school. 

Mexico turned out to be my something more. 

That memory was all but forgotten until a week ago. 

I casually look back to a year ago, and all the memories then stowed.

I see a girl that had to let go of someone dear, in spite of the pain ravished upon her heart and soul.
Just a girl who refused to give up, lay down; in the midst of days spent in torrents of tears.

I look back on that October, just a year ago, when the application was sent in, after reading a few hundred words in a book. Then there were those months leading up to March, wondering what on Earth was I thinking? How could my wounded heart manage? How could I muster up the courage?

"I"

But it was never I. It was never about me. It was always Him and what He could and would accomplish.

Because it was Him, who caught my eyes in that book; it was Him who spurred me to apply.

He knew that I was made for Morelia, even after all of me was surely convinced the Baja- was always where I would be.

I boarded that plane March 23rd and I was looking back. I was afraid. The Holy Spirit was interceding for me in prayer, because the words just wouldn't come.

My flight landed. I was picked up and taken to meet my family for the next three months.

I walked in and something overcame me. I just knew that I was home.

That night, I sent my best friend a text message telling her that I knew I was going to be okay, that I knew I was home.

I didn't know on March 23rd that I would fall in love with a place and people so unknown to me. I didn't know that an ease would come with the language, I fought for so long to learn. I didn't know that those goodbyes, three months later, would be some of the hardest goodbyes I would ever make.

But my God knew.

He knew boarding that plane would forever change me. He knew that my wounded, empty heart, still reeling from someone lost, would come to finally realize He was and is, truly all I ever need.

Those three months of pure joy would turn into a couple of months spent in the desert. My heart would fail me. I'd get caught up in me, again. I'd miss that He was beside me, His hands waiting to take mine.

But I'd find hope. He would renew what was lost, rekindle the flame.

He'd use people to wash away the wounds of words. He'd use beautiful friends to take me in for a time, resume loving and living as if years hadn't passed. He'd use a church in Texas to speak life over me, many times over-placing me in the center, pouring their hearts out in prayer.

He'd provide continually-showing up in t-shirt money with letters showering me in support. He'd spur an idea in a friend for a craft show, putting me well on my way to Morelia for sixth months or more.

He is providing and I am just a daughter, awestruck at how blessed I am.

Simply put, my heart is overwhelmed. . .

So here I am, hopeful and grateful-welcoming Thanksgiving...with this mess of words.

I am thankful for you, today. You've sat with me in silence. You've spoken life over me. You've prayed for me. You've read my heart in words, time and again. You've supported me. You've challenged me.

You've loved me.

And there are many, many times when love is all that is needed.

Praise be to our God, who creates us to be something more, who makes our hearts come alive with passion, who sets us apart.

home is wherever I'm with you

...and what she understood is that all the forces were love 

and that she was the opposite of lonely. 

This could be enough, she realized, this kind of being together. 

Friendship. 

In spite of all her longing, this could be enough...”

I have a heart with many homes. 

I relish the people He has so gracefully placed in my life, in the time that He gives them to me, to love. 

I think of the lonely hearts; and sadly, I think that so often defines me. 

Until, He takes me to my many homes, in His time, and He gently shows me love. He shows me that the truest friends and loves of your life will pick up as though no time at all has passed. 

They will love you. They will hold you. 

You will love them. You will hold them. 

Your eyes will fill up at the hurts experienced out of their love. And they for you. 

You will stumble into an ease of giggles at the smallest of things. 

Your heart will beat to a new beat, because in that moment you are somewhere you know, you are known. 

I'll have to catch my breath, and so will you. At the lengths, the depths, the very heights our Maker has taken us, at the very thought that He placed you in my life for a season and me in your's.

Our eyes will meet and we'll know that without a doubt, we are loved. 

In this moment together, in the one to come apart. 

We'll linger in the moments, we have been given. 

We'll know that we are not alone. 

We will place these sweet, beautiful moments into our heart's pockets for keeps, 

because that is where they should be. 

Carried within us- for those days when the weary heart of your's and mine, can't seem to find the courage to get out of bed, and face the day. When the light seems to be dimmer and hope seems a little lost:


We'll remember that the grace of our God is enough. 
We'll remember that He redeems the weary and the lonely days, the lost and the struggling-
that He redeems the irredeemable. 
We'll remember that we do belong together. 


And His faithfulness will always prevail, by the grace of my God you and I will never, ever be alone. We will walk this road together, in light of His goodness and truth shown. 


I'll love you when you are with me and when we're apart, because you will always, always have a piece of my heart. 

seeing the season through

“Sadly many of us have been led to feel that somehow we ought to want less, not more. We have this sense that we should atone for our longings, apologize that we feel such deep desire. Shouldn’t we be more content? Perhaps, but contentment is never wanting less; that’s the easy way out. Anybody can look holy if she’s killed her heart; the real test is to have your heart burning within you and have the patience to enjoy what there is now to enjoy, while waiting with eager anticipation for the feast to come. In Paul’s words, “we groan inwardly as we wait eagerly.” Contentment can only happen as we increase desire, let it run itself out toward its fulfillment, and carry us along with it.”

I don’t know if I am alone in this. This embarrassment, this shame that comes with a desire that shakes a heart from it’s core. This wonderment that comes and awakens itself within, after a soul’s dry spell. Weariness befallen on a bent back, a bruised heart and trembling knees. Struggling to be healed and become trusting of You and Your perfect goodness to release me from the binding chains. 

Months spent on the field, and the moments coming rushing back, fresh to the touch and seemingly new to the burdened eyes. I see those first few minutes stumbling upon bright city lights and walking in the heat of the day- I hear those first words exchanged. The beauty of the book being seen with my own eyes. 

I see the brown-eyes beauties running up to play, asking how long I would stay. Giggles overflowing and shouts of glee when more time was known to be spent than just a week. Passing the time steadying themselves in my lap, making sense of my curls- getting lost in their sweet company. 

Remnants of moments replay within my heart and there’s a disappointment that comes and it goes-how could I have forgotten Your love, oh how You love me? Surrounded by beauty and months spent in the country I have come to know and love, but still yet I had forgotten Your mercies new every morning, rest found in Your open arms, healing and hope for a heart disarmed. Love’s been all around me, and even still I kept fighting to just be. 

Two days ago I walked off a plane- to the eyes of many resilient, inside overwhelmed- near breaking. 

My last few days in the Baja were spent loving on the children, making sure they knew how much they will always mean to me. Holding them close, hearts touching and giggles intertwining, capturing every still moment to hold onto forever. My time came to a close, with a handful of lasts-last classes, last hugs, last laughs, last tears among some of the dearest people about me all in the same place, for once. 

And here I am, I am on the other side-with a few things to tell your kind reading eyes. The last two months held some of the most challenging moments of my life. I was literally living in a desert, and somehow found that my heart was losing itself in a desert of its' own. 

I became spent in every sense of the word. It was a fight to be there and to love the beautiful people as they deserved to be loved. I let go. Taken aback, that I wasn't in it, the place I had longed to be home for ten years was home. . . but I was missing. Yet, that is what happens when we sometimes claim to have our every future moment figured out, God steps in and changes you. 

All this to say it was a daily battle and through it all, God made something known deep within my heart- that my time was left unfinished in Morelia. 

Many nights were spent with a conflicted heart, struggling to find the words in prayer, but I can tell you with utter confidence that my God is taking me back to reunite with my heart come January, in Morelia.  

God used these past two months. And thankfully, His beautiful children saw me through my very own desert. I will be spending these next three and a half months in Indiana, working, gathering support, and being with my family and I will then return to Morelia for an indefinite period of time in January. My heart is overcome with gratefulness that He makes beautiful things out of dust, and out of us.

welcome feelings

Much time has passed since my words last greeted your kind, thoughtful eyes. . . and here in the wake of such an altogether beautiful day- rather than grace my tired eyes with sleep, my heart thought it would be better to appreciate the blessed silence and reveal everything as it has taken place.

In the weeks since I have last written, forty children have graced our program-filling up the once long ago abandoned building with their shouts of glee and overwhelming laughter. Filling our wearied hearts with a joy in knowing that everything else might have gone wrong, but this is playing out to be something beautiful.

Spontaneously, we decided to throw a huge party for them celebrating Independence Day. We went in search for cakes, pounds of candy and a piñata. Even though the craziness meant locking up the building exhausted with twinges of headaches, the pure joy was more than enough to make it all worth it. The hilarity of it all was so beautiful, so refreshing. Seeing the women bent over in laughter, the children scrambling for every piece of candy that hit the ground, did wonders to my heart.

Combine that with today, the confraternidad [an event held for all of the Churches of Christ in the Baja at one church], which took place at our very own church. There's just something about seeing standing room only, hearts from all over, singing with one voice. There's just something about seeing a church that struggles to feed every hungry child, find a home for every single mother, bring hope to every hopeless family- open their doors without second thought. Feeding hundreds physically and spiritually, even if it means that they might do without.

Unity. Precious unity. That's what we were created for, and here my heart still sits astonished at what it truly means to see it before my very own eyes.

I was able to be with a lot of my children today. I know that sounds surprising for me to even make note of, but they are rarely all in one place-making it difficult for me being able to hold them all and laugh with every one of them.

The group comes and they have a picture of what life looks like, but life goes on here. The children don't venture to the church building every waking moment. Hope dims. Hearts ache. Needs rise.

But today, bless today, when everyone can be reminded that in the shelter of each other we will live, we do live. Bless today, for being a day with work and welcome laughter for His one church, His one body of believers. A day were hope was and remains to be fully alive.