i know how you feel

This is for those of you that have loved and lost, have come and gone, have said hello only to have to say goodbye.

I have noticed in life that often times our hearts have contradicting feelings simultaneously, how can it feel so good to know you're going home, and hurt so much knowing you have to say goodbye? How can it feel so right to love someone with all that you are, and then have this knowing about you, that it's time you let them go?

You have these moments too, right?

Moments that you enter in and you are undeniably sure that you were made for moments, such as these.

Moments when you know that it's your time to pack your bags and carry onward into your journey, but that doesn't make it any easier to leave those you love behind.

Hellos and goodbyes are ever so frequent in the lives of those at NOE. People enter in for a time, and then God calls them home. This means, emotions rise for a time, tears frequently leave their traces, and sighs become the pauses that somehow hold us together.

We are in such a time, and with that being said, it  opens the dusty suitcase of nostalgia that I stowed away last June.
Vivid memories rush in.

And I wonder why?

But then again, I think I know, I think it's one of those times that God allows you to identify with the pain of another.
When you can truly, truly say to someone you know how they feel and mean it with every fiber of your being.

One of the three, is leaving us, come Monday.

And I know how she feels,

there's a desire to run home into the arms of those she loves, but then there's this trifling sense that home isn't where she thought it was, that quite possibly home is right here.

there are moments when she is laughing in the company of those she loves, when all is right, and then suddenly she is consumed with the pain of leaving, all too soon.

And you know what? In times like these, I have found that only God, in His love suffices.

I've spent a life of hellos and goodbyes, and with that being said, they never become any easier. I don't know one place as home, my heart has many. But even though we lack understanding in times such as these, we'll look back and see that everything, even the heartbreaking goodbyes had a reason. Everything, everything has its' season.

So this is for Sophie, who has spent just a little less than a year here, opening her arms and her very heart to Centro NOE.  This is for you, dear. Our hearts might never understand these moments, on this side of Heaven, but one day I know you'll see the beauty in it.

One day.

Until then, cherish every moments and relish every laugh and word with those that you love. And know, just know that you'll never be replaced, nor forgotten. No, you never will. We'll be waiting for you.

If your heart has caught up on such a contradicting mixture of feelings, it's my prayer that you'd see God in your midst. He's there, I'm absolutely sure of it. Look closely, love. Hold tight to hope, cause there's always hope. If you loved and lost, come and gone, said hello only to say goodbye- you've been given the beautiful chance of seeing purpose. And oh how, everything under the sun, has a purpose.

God moves ever still.

I tell you. I tell you.

God is moving. He amazes me even still.

I'll be honest I have been a little discouraged these past couple of weeks. The extra conversation classes I added for my highest level students, haven't been attended lately. So I thought about eliminating them altogether, but something within me decided to have it just be one day a week, instead of two days.

Today, I arrived at NOE, and I didn't see a single student of mine, and immediately my thoughts rushed to  why didn't I follow through with the idea of canceling them?

But then, two trickled girls trickled in, and five minutes later another entered in. We went about describing ourselves in three adjectives, talking about our favorite years in school etc. One of my girls asked me what time in my life left me the most impacted, and I shared.

This deep question posed an idea in my head and heart to ask what was one of the hardest times in their lives, that at first they didn't understand, but then they were able to see God in the aftermath.

When it came time for the third girl to share, she spoke up and then immediately the tears began to fall from her beautiful cheeks.

Right away, I knew God was present. I knew He was moving.

So the three of us spoke life over this precious daughter, as much as we knew how, and all of us felt His leading to pray. Pray we did, and that just meant more tears fell, from that of all of us.

And as I prayed, I knew that the words that came weren't mine own, that they were His. I knew He was circling around His child with us, lifting up His very own prayers as we sought more of Him.

Afterwards, there was a sweet silence and just a knowing that the presence of God was in our classroom, and how ordained the moment was for that of four women to venture to NOE to speak English, only to end up speaking Spanish and begging for God to come, to heal, to speak.

One of my girls decided to speak up and affirm my presence in not only NOE, but her nation. To tell me that she can't explain it, she just sees God in my eyes and feels His love. The tears came again, because my heart needed to hear everything she said.

Because sometimes we can't see the reason behind our hurts, the promise behind the pain. 

Because sometimes we can't see our purpose, in being, right where we are. 

The mess, the tragedies they take their toll on our ever so fragile hearts, and we tend to give up, to lay down, because we can't pick up our pieces off the ground. 

Everything tells us to stop. 

But then, He lets Himself in with His key, and He whispers, "come to me, I'm all you need."

We get so overcome with anxiety, and the mess that we've become, that we cease to trust that He is in it. 

But soul, oh precious soul, these pain consuming moments, 

are never something we have to bear on our own. 

Our burdens are His burdens. 

Relax your wearied shoulders, close your swollen eyes, release the tears you've been holding back, 

let go, precious soul, let go, 

and let Him in. 

When you let Him in, that doesn't mean from here on out, everything will be perfect, things will fall apart.
 It does mean, that you will have someone take His careful care to mend you back together, to strengthen your weak knees, heal your heavy heart. It does mean that you'll never, never be alone. 

refining beauty

Sitting in the refinery, heart held in hands, she lets it be,
Her bent knees, kissing her forehead, she sees

she sees grace, and Your light leaving Your beautiful trace,
she feels renewal, desperately pursued,
through and through.

and she rests, because here in the refinery, she is known,
and Your ever-surpassing glory, is shown.

Her love for You grows, the trials and thorns,
do nothing to tear her apart, nothing but a sweet time to mourn,

but then Your love beckons her come, and enter in.
Enter in, to the beauty that lies awaiting her after the storm.

Cause after the storm, hope rises,
out of demises.

Cause after the storm, love is found,
chains unbound.

Cause after the storm, peace comes,
in soft lingering sighs and hums.

In the refinery, You're near,
ever nearer.

In the refining, hearts find reasons,
for the perilous seasons.

In the refining, hearts find rest,
long ago stowed away in memory's chest.

In the refining, there is beauty,
you just have to look ever so closely to see.

And she's sitting in the refinery, heart held in hands, she lets it be, 

Her bent knees, kissing her forehead, she finally, finally sees.

He's refining me. I used to be scared of the word refined. It used to cause fear to rise up within my beating heart, but God's showing me the beauty of it. Sure, it involves pain, uncertainty and it's never comfortable, but beautiful hearts, it's worth it. Cause in the refining, You find more of Him.

And what is better than having more of Him in all of our waking moments?

Don't fear refining, remember perfect love casts out all fear, dear. Lift up your empty hands and your hurting heart, take a respite on your bent knees, and just let Him, let Him be.

Let go of the burdens you claim are just your own, and remember sweet daughter and son, you, you are known. Hope exists for the heart ever so refined, don't hold onto what is behind, but walk in faith sweet child. Walk in faith, sweet child, hold onto hope. And don't you ever for a second think, you are alone, you are not your own.

come closer

"know that something softer than us but just as holy planted the pieces of Himself into our feet 

that we might one day find our way back to Him. 

you are almost home.

                                                             come closer come into this. 

there are birds beating their wings beneath your breastplate,

 gentle sparrows aching to sing come aching hearts,

 come soldiers of joy doormen of truth, come true of heart come into this."

Anis Mojgani

So, I know, I know this blog post is surely long overdue! I haven't really been able to master the art of busyness here yet. My last post was chock full of statistics and all of those numbers have been my life these past few weeks. It's amazing to think that I have already been here a month, the month anniversary actually passed me by without notice, until someone told me so.

So what have I been doing, how is this heart of mine feeling? Questions, upon questions- I'm sure you need answered, and are definitely deserving to know.

My classes have been keeping me busy and are a constant challenge for me. My highest level, the orange book students, just took a chapter test and it's time for the mid book test- which normally gives us all a little insight to where they stand to finish. I'll admit to you, my heart has been torn with worries for all of them this week. I have been wracking my heart and brain as to how I can convey five chapters of concepts in the easiest form possible, and trying my hardest to ease the worries that I see sitting beneath their eyes.

But God has just been reminding me that I really don't have any control over the results, that I can spend myself on their behalf, and yet, some will still be facing the difficulty and fears of failure. So these past few weeks, have been weeks of learning and remembering how much I need to surrender to my Maker.

In all things.

He has been reminding me of what it is like to have a heart be refined and tested, helping me remember and hold onto the hope that beauty still does exist even in such times.

I have had moments when I have been able to be poured out for my precious students and friends, and I am praying for more of such moments. Because what it all comes down to is that. I'm here for God to use me and use me up, all for love's cause.

I'm still brimming with joy and I'm still very much overwhelmed. There are sweet bouts of beauty that my eyes stumble upon constantly- that of my youngest sister singing her heart out in praise, that of three sisters laying in a bed, with High School Musical playing on a rainy, rainy day, that of five friends sitting around a table for hours, losing ourselves as we tell our stories of heartache and joy, that of me with six ten year old boys spending our Valentine's Day class together, laughing at pronunciations on every side.

I have these moments when I feel so much love, that my heart feels as though it could burst, and it's then I know that I shouldn't be anywhere else, that this is indeed where He has called me, for such a time as this, and truly, with all of me, that this is where my sweet, Beautiful Savior, desires me to be...

 for a lifetime.

Yes, yes, this is right where I need to be.

numbers and dreams...

I tend to get in the habit of counting things, if you know me really well you can probably attribute that to my OCD tendencies.

All that to say, I just thought I would share a few numbers with you:

I teach 90 students a week.
I teach 23 classes a week.
I tutor 4 times a week.

I have 3 classes of the highest level of English on Monday, Wednesday and Fridays, along with 2 primary English classes. Meaning my youngest student is 10, my oldest being in their early 20s.

I have 2 official classes on Tuesday and Thursdays. One of those is primary, the youngest being around 10, and the other a beginner class for adults, in which, my oldest student is in their 60s. I just added 2 conversation classes for my most excelled students, with the chance to go to Portland, which takes place on Tuesday and Thursdays, as well. I end my day tutoring 1 girl I met through NOE last year. 

Class with the most students: 21

Class with the least students: 11

Those are the numbers for you, dear reader. These numbers are what my days consist of in this beautiful city. To think that God saw fit to bring me here to return, still astounds me. The friendships and the love that I have found here aren't like any other that I have ever experienced. 

What does this mean for you?

I hope you know that sometimes dreams aren't easily reached. Sometimes you have to fight for them every waking moment. Sometimes you have to let them go, only for them to come back to you in a way, that is unimaginable, incomparable to how you had always pictured it to turn out. Sometimes you have to learn to be right where you are. 

For me that meant, spending my waking hours, straightening clothes and lifting furniture in the Goodwill for two full years before I could finally live in Mexico. Two years where I packed my bag for a couple weeks out of the year to be in Mexico. Two years, in which, I begged God to finally take me home to where I knew that I always belonged. Two years with whys sitting stagnant upon my heart and wounds vulnerable to my own loneliness. But you know what?

I'm living in a city of over a million people, that was so unknown to me before I stumbled upon Max Lucado's words. I'm living and working in a place that I came to love so easily in three months, before I had to leave it with tears standing in my eyes and try to figure out how I could possibly leave the love found, behind. I wrestled with uncertain feelings and had no idea that I would ever come to know and love a city like that of Vicente Guerrero, but you see, dear heart, that's where we always go wrong. 

We plan and we fight for things to come out in the way we see fit, and at times, God let's those things happen-to wake us up. Remind us that He has more than our best in mind, that He is indeed the Maker of our heart's desires and that His plans are not our own. He is the author of our dreams, the perfecter of our faith. He struggled and lived this life, before we even came to be. He knows what makes our hearts come alive. The passion that rests on your heart is not like that of anyone else- your heart matters and you have a story to tell.

We are not our own. We are His. 

We should trust Him with our every dream and realize that sometimes we have to fight for them, fight for an understanding, be right where we are, before He can take us where we were always meant to be. 

And as I finish writing this, I'm praying for the eyes that come upon this mess of words. That you might believe these words to be said for you, because they are meant for beautiful, you.

Hold onto hope, dear. 

Keep on fighting, because sometimes the struggle comes out of nowhere-

and you don't feel anywhere near ready...but love, He doesn't wait for us to be ready. 

We find the readiness in Him. We find the strength and all that we need in Him.  

abrumada

"That moment that unaccountably brings tears to your eyes, 

that takes you by crazy surprise, that sends a shiver down your spine, 

that haunts you with what is just possibly a glimpse of something far beyond or deep within itself..." 

Frederick Buechner

Such moments have taken place throughout this entire first week since returning to Morelia. I've been overwhelmed at the sight of all those I came to love so easily in three short months. I am overwhelmed and the joy does runneth over. The giddiness from the first sight of that dear handful of friends waiting for me Monday night, still sits in my heart. 

My soul is trying to stowaway all of these emotions, and my fingers are trying to tell something of what this feels like- this love, this being used, this making love known. Yet, I'm blessed with incapability, to tell you of what it means to know you're right where you need to be.   

I received my teaching schedule Tuesday and ended up teaching my first class that very night. I am a very content teacher with 19 classes per week, two classes Tuesday and Thursdays and five classes Monday, Wednesday and Fridays. So I've attempted to put the jet lag out of sight and out of mind, as I have been preparing and teaching my classes this week. This time around, is a bit more challenging, I have a larger number of classes where I speak mostly Spanish, because they are beginners. At first, I was worried about how I would fare, but now I'm excited about how much more this means I'll be able to practice. 

I've been given the chance to talk with a few of my closest friends and students, from last year and that in itself, has been a reminder that God needs me here. Being in their presence makes it a lot easier to make love known to their precious hearts. 

The fear has worn off and the language seems to come with more ease and for that I'm incredibly grateful. I can't and I won't live in fear. I'll speak up, because that is in part why He brought me here. 

I was able to see Samaritan's Purse in action yesterday. 

NOE held two festivals to be able to give out all of the boxes they received from Samaritan's Purse. 

Cristina, above, was so pleased when she opened her box and found school supplies, 

saying it was everything she didn't have for school. 

So there's a snippet of my first week for you. Just a few words this time, because I still have to rid myself of some jet lag.

My new word, Abrumada = overwhelmed. 

speechless revelries

It’s been six months to the day when I went to the Baja, knowing full well that’s where my heart was called. Six months of a battered and bruised heart, rising up and out towards a reawakening. Six months of testing and refining that my heart doesn’t so often, graciously allow, but in hindsight always exits ever so gratefully.

And I’m here, settling into the quaint café-like scene, on-looking the millions of able-bodies, bright-eyed, wearied lovers, faith-driven hearts-that have all come in search of one thing, their home. That place where they are comforted in being known to the spirited gray streaks that spring up overnight in their delicately combed hair, to the emptiness and fresh wounds that still cause the pain to rush up within and take them by surprise, without a care.

I’m in an airport and it feels like home here.

I’m able to sit about and look at these beautiful people walking past dutifully to their gate; I’m able to be reminded of how carefully each and every one of them was chosen to bear the marks of a Maker. I’m reminded that we all, each and every one deserve our indescribable God, our Savior.

I get to compose paragraphs and rhymes, because God me made for this and these times. I get to sit back and look quietly and onward, praying for the souls that are still not heard.

I’m blessed and the blessings overflow, because God made me to love all of these- so that everyone is known.

Love carries me to this place, and it’s what I chase. God has given me a heart that is full to overflowing- and I want everyone to see how loved they are and revel in this knowing.

So whether it’s broken Spanish or my love of the English words falling off my timid tongue, I will live to love, until my time here is done.

I’m returning without trepidation and tears, I’m returning with a perfect love that casts out every last one of my fears. My eyes happened upon that chapter, for a reason, and I’m seeing that now- and that’s what I’m after.

I’m blessed to love and to live. I’m blessed to be spent and freely give. I have words that need to be said, I have paths that need to be tread. So I will love every last one, those that have always known the purest of love and those that have been shunned.

My heart is full and beating steady; I’m awakened, bright-eyed, made for this, I am ready. So take this life of mine, Lord, that You, Yourself created, take this heart of mine and use it to be spent, not a moment lost or wasted.

I was welcomely surprised in the airport by some of my closest friends last night-after such an incredibly swift time through immigration and customs- where to the immigration officer's delight realized I could hold a conversation in Spanish, with ease and wondered what on Earth I needed 180 days for- thinking I need that many days so I can love, the ones He has given me to love. I can't begin to tell you every emotion that was rushing into my heart. It's just that I sat there ever so quietly, just reveling in the sweet voices falling over me, and being embraced in the arms of those I love. Joy left me shaking and speechless and peace washed over me, stilling my soul, knowing this is where I am needed, this is where I am known.