love drowns out fear

It’s been an epic whirlwind of a past couple of weeks, a whirlwind that has left fear by the wayside and spurred my heart to be fearless.  

Valentine's Day a hundred of students congregated under low lights of hearts hung from the ceiling, laughter and joy brimmed about the Ark (our basketball court). And I found myself on stage opening the night in prayer (in Spanish, a feat that I often can’t embrace) and then introducing the most hipster and the most fashion alongside a dear friend.

The next day, 88 students and teachers piled into two buses to celebrate the part of Valentine’s Day, that often goes overlooked in the States, to celebrate friendship and revel in the greatest picture we have of love, Jesus, Himself. 

Upon arrival, every student was split up into a group to be led by one of the four American interns that are making Morelia, Mexico home for a year…and yes, that included me, the ever-worrying, stressing girl that has a huge dislike for games.

But it happened. And you know what?

All these things have opened my eyes up to something grand,

That when I put my eyes on God, my heart knows no limits, that anything is possible.

A sigh of relief and a cup brimming over with joy is how my days end, because I rest in the certainty that my God is enough, He is always enough.

My key ring is a little heavier these days, too. I am now a proud renter of a house in Morelia, Mexico and it just goes to show you and I both, that the limits that we place upon ourselves are nothing in the grand scheme of things. It goes to show us both that settling is a choice that we make and nobody else can make the decision to settle for us.

So I moved and I’ve planted the seeds of my future, with the blessing of my sweet Maker. And my heart is full and giddy, because 10 years later I am living proof that when you hand over your dreams to God…he doesn’t discard them and pile them to collect dust, but works on them, he grows them and when it’s time- he let’s us walk into our dreams, dreams bigger than we could have ever imagined.

I have walked into my dream with a pair of keys on my key ring and a house that I have christened to be another piece of NOE, just a couple houses down, a house where His people can find rest.

Meanwhile, my classes have become more than class and I’ve found myself settled onto the concrete floor time and again, listening to the chorus of different stories and voices that make up my classroom, watching as they find themselves vulnerable among a class of sixteen other students…and that my dear ones is beauty, when you enter into something so much bigger than yourself. That is beauty.

And well, I’m surrounded by beauty and fear doesn’t have a hold on me these days. 

I’m immersed with the satisfaction of knowing that God is enough and He will always be enough. 

I'm astounded that "the more," I begged and pleaded for in torrents of tears at that high school retreat did not go unheard. He heard me and my life is now living proof that God does not discount your dreams, He instead draws them to life. 

If you are reading this and you would like to become part of my journey there's always room for support, love and prayers: http://onlinecfc.com/blog/2013/05/28/kristentomexico/. 

As I mentioned above, I just moved into an apartment with a very dear friend and we have a lot of needs. We are still lacking a bed, a refrigerator, pots and pans and other things that are needed to make a house a home!

a soul's debrief

It's been a whirlwind of a time, here lately, and here, well that can be said of life Stateside and abroad, beneath the Mexican sun. And the words have been guarded and stowing themselves away, putting as much distance as possible between me and my guilty typing fingers.

And albeit, part of that was my all-but refusal to waste a single minute when my feet touched the cold, left-over snow-covered ground.



And oh, it was beautiful.

I don't tend to lose myself in the joy of the holidays.

I'll be honest sometimes my eyes have snubbed the red cheerful cups at Starbucks, this time of year. But when I got to Chicago and attempted at getting comfortable with my head on my backpack and my feet hanging over the obnoxious bar in the middle; I found myself joyful. Joyful that my eyes fell upon Christmas lights in an almost vacant airport and joyful that my 4 AM cold, trembling hands could gather around a red Starbucks cup. Joyful that after four months of distance I would soon be reunited with the ones that I love. The ones that for years have been mine to love.

The days were packed with mother/daughter dates, mini-reunions, nights by the fire and filled to the brim of reveling in Christmas. Which for years has been something my heart has avoided doing, but this Christmas was different.

And I wholeheartedly agree with Donald Miller when he says sometimes you have to leave places and things behind for awhile, to come back to them with a new-found love. Part of me chalks up this experience to that truth and the other well, I think and I know in my heart of hearts I was spent. That four months had come and gone and I had forgotten what it was like to be home.

So God filled me up.

Christmas Eve 2013 will be something cherished for years to come. Seven chairs around the table, plates brimming over, joy twinkling in every eye, drops of sarcasm and overbearing laughter. It was beautiful. I still refuse to let go of the feeling. It was that beautiful.

Fast-forward to all of the crazed mishaps with the airlines. Cancelled flight, lack of notification, 2 am phone call, lost bag. And well four days later than I was supposed to, I made the trek back running to my gate, arriving with two bags instead of three.

And here I am.

My heart is full again and this time with more of the ones that I love. The ones that for this year have been mine to love. These first few weeks have passed by quickly and I have been resettling into what it means to live in Morelia, Mexico. Resettling into doing something that I was made to do, something that I love to do.

My students welcomed me back with big bear hugs, sighs of relief and shouts of glee and I was reminded that yes, even though it's difficult to make so many transitions between here and there, home and home, it is all worth it. I was reminded that God still needs me here.

Bible Study and Youth Group have been growing and more of my students are showing up on Monday and Friday nights. It's a beautiful thing to see the hearts of my students tendering towards the idea that they are here for a reason bigger than themselves, to see them begin to tender to the fact that God loves them.

This past Friday, I was given yet another opportunity to share in youth group and this time I felt an undeniable sense of comfort that is usually incredibly absent. This time my eyes looked up from my pages and fell upon students that have captured my heart. I was able to speak above a whisper and relay to their hearts that life is a race worth running. And that when we start running, we'll never look back at what was, we will run with joy awaiting what will be.

In quiet moments like these, I question why He chose me.

People tell me 'oh you are so brave for moving to that dangerous country, oh you are so giving to work for nothing.'

But when the light dims and I sit with my Maker, the truth comes out.

I'm not the brave one, He is.

I'm not the giver, He is.

This life isn't even mine to live, but somehow even when there was but a mere glimpse of who I was to be, He delighted in me enough to bless me with a burden for a foreign country.

I am blessed and there are times when I have to fight back tears at the reality of how blessed I am, at the thought of how far He has brought me and at the beautiful truth that He isn't done with me yet.

With that being said, 2014, your word is fearless. 

Fearless, because I have learned that striving to live for God is far better than settling.

Sleepless Airport Nights Make for Writing

A sleepless all-nighter in the airport has left my heart inspired, in need to write something, to write anything. 

I'm on the other side of four months serving with NOE International for the third time and as cliche as it might sound, this time has been the best yet. 

It hasn't been free from challenges, but I do think that is what makes these four months look so beautiful, because in the midst of the challenges- God has brought me out stronger. He has reminded me that He is all that I need to be certain of, that He is enough. 

If you ever told me that I would lose my heart to a country; I would have easily told you that you had lost your mind. 

If you had ever told me that one day I would be standing in front of a classroom sometimes forgetting that English is what I'm supposed to be speaking; I would have easily told you that would be impossible. 

You see, God has made the impossibilities into possibilities. 

He has used me, the unlikely, to do something bigger than I could have ever imagined.

The truth is, that since the first time I came to this unfamiliar He has changed parts of my heart entirely.

I speak up. I find myself spurred to branch out, instead of keeping to myself. I have something to give.

I sing. I find myself singing with a microphone in front of a hundred of people. I have a song to sing.

I teach. I find myself constantly seeking out ways to reach the harder to reach students. 

I administrate. I find myself being given more responsibilities and it thrills me. It absolutely thrills me. 

In these past four months, my heart has met so many dear students in need of love. I have been teaching seven classes and around ninety students per week. I've had conversations that I'm sure He entered into. I have spoken twice in youth group. I have been administering our child sponsorship program and I thankfully, amazingly finished sending out 250 Christmas cards to their sponsors and assigning new angels. 

I have been encouraged, because there's a peace here. There's a confidence that rests in my soul; it's no longer a labor to be here. Sure, it's work, but everyday I'm reminded of precisely why God has me here.  Dear ones, there's no greater feeling. I pray that you will find that kind of certainty with your passion; you deserve it. 

I could go on and on. There's so many sweet stories I have to tell you, but honestly there are some that are just sweeter to tell in person. So maybe our paths will cross soon, dear one. And if not, be expecting a little bit more of an update soon. Because for now the words are failing and the gratitude is brimming over. 

We just celebrated the Christmas season at the new NOE. The progress is breathtaking to see. The neighborhood that just months ago resisted our moving in, is now responding and showing up. 

We have officially been approved for the second round of construction at the new NOE. 

Two students have been baptized and our Monday night Bible Studies are growing. 

Oh, it's beautiful to be here. I'm overcome with gratitude. 

I'll be embarking on my third flight in two days. Next and last stop: Indiana for Christmas!

Dear Centro NOE & Max Lucado,

Dear NOE & Max Lucado,

These words of mine are long overdue, and honestly they’ve been sitting upon my heart for weeks, for months.

You see, Centro NOE, you have changed me.

God brought me to you, when I was a million pieces, certain that all I’d know for the rest of my life would be rejection.

I was feeble. I was weak when we first met.

And yes, some of your dear students remember those first few months as ones filled with silence, with a girl that seemed out of her element, one that would surely cherish the experience but wouldn’t return, because fear held her captive.

But on the last night, the goodbyes would be the most painful they’d ever been. They would rip out parts of my heart and withhold them from me until I returned.

And I would return, twice.

In fact, here I am.

I am no longer defined by rejection, nor held back by fear.

Yes, I am weak most of my days, but He is thankfully enough, He is my strength.

And most of all, I am home. These cobblestone uneven streets are all that I know; they are all that I want to know. These days spent in my second home, hours upon end, are all that I need. These students that challenge me to learn, to encounter joy in the simplest moments are all that I want.

NOE, you are home to me.

And yes, these months have challenged me, but there have been moments that have taken my breath away. Moments when former students come into my most difficult classes and pour out their hearts, vouching for me and supporting me with all that they are. Moments when the Directors, seek me out, give me more responsibilities and tell me that NOE can be home to me for however long that I like. And there are moments when the entire class caves into laughter over past participles, when students lose themselves in learning without even realizing it.

Moments when I must quietly remind myself that this life is my beautiful life to hold.

My dream has come to life before my very own eyes, and I’m here.

Ten years of praying, ten years of tears, ten years of missing, ten years of planning my perfect life.

Ten years of waiting. Ten. Worthwhile. Years.

And now my heart is full, because those ten years did not go to waste.

“His word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed I cannot.” Jeremiah 20:9

NOE, this is our third time together, and yesterday I took part in your inauguration, with tears trickling down my cheeks, because you are no longer just a chapter in a book to me, no you are apart of me.

And God made me for you, NOE. 

I am weary of holding it in, I cannot.

I was made for you. Long ago, when my plans were to hide at home in the company of silence, my God set me apart to speak another language, to move without certainty. And when I followed, my life changed, because He knew where I was always supposed to be.

Tears are relentless, just like your love, because I’ve stumbled onto something that I never want to lose. And my heart longs to be the difference, to be your hands and feet, to shout your love from the rooftops, to love to the tips of fingers. May you use me to use me up, sweet Jesus. USE ME TO USE ME UP.